The Mom I Want to Be

Your toddler is making his first steps toward separation, leaving you to explore the world around him.

 

Starting around 18 months, your toddler begins a new dance between his uncharted independence, and the familiar, secure base of his loving relationship with you. This is what gives this stage the name of the not-so-terrible, but oh-so-trying twos. It can be cute at first, with clinging and hugging one moment, pushing and darting away the next. It often catches a first-time parent by surprise — suddenly the little guy is off by himself around the corner, when last week he melted down if you picked up the phone for a moment. He is searching for just the right distance that will allow him to be part of your physical and emotional space while keeping his own little courtyard inviolate.

 

This is what makes these months such an important proving ground for developing the skills to cope with the frustrating challenges and dilemmas of adult life. More forcefully than during any other stage, these months bring kids face-to-face with two powerful yet contradictory impulses. There is an intense longing to feel safe and secure, in the predictable domain of familiar relationships. But there is also the thrilling exhilaration of uninhibited exploration, free of the obligation to look back to see who is disappearing in the distance.

 

Testing: How Far Is Too Far?

You see this push-pull in your child’s physical maneuvering. But the psychological dimension is where the real action takes place. What feels like a safe distance is a product of your toddler’s increasingly capable thought process. It’s common for children this age to have some level of separation anxiety. At this point, attentive parenting pays real dividends. It’s important to be able to pick up on what level of distance your toddler really wants and when you can accommodate his need for space and exploration (while still keeping him safe).

 

Here’s how this might look in real life. Jason, 21 months old, is thrilled to be padding around the edge of a swimming pool. He gets close enough to the edge every 10 paces or so to satisfy his curiosity and keep the nearby grownups on their toes. Jason is not inclined to listen to his parents’ prohibitions once he’s in an exploring mood.

 

As he loses interest in the water and wanders off to investigate the new landscaping near the pool, the mulch pricks the bottom of his feet, and he begins to wail. But his parents decide to wait a moment before going to his aid.

 

Jason sits down and stops crying as he picks the offending bark from between his toes. More mad than hurt, he pushes himself back up on his feet, muttering “me do” as he toddles back to the pool. A single glance toward his parents is all he needs before he sets off with a big smile to join the other kids near the water slide.

 

In this example, Jason’s desire to explore got him into a bit of trouble, which he managed himself with only a glance at his parents. He narrated his success with a casual, self-directed “me do.” His smile may have been relief, even pride — we don’t know. But at the very least, it was a marker of internal pleasure at doing what he did, or just in being who he is.

 

Trust in the Home Base

Confidence in your support is essential to your toddler’s ability to learn. Without that trust, learning through exploration of the outside world gets short-circuited by anxiety. Children need to know that their parents will keep them from harm — that if some new experiment is dangerous, Mom or Dad will jump to the rescue. They also need to know that parents will respect and help them to overcome their fears and frustrations and the outbursts these emotions may bring. Here’s how to do this:

 

• Give a few clear, simple, and consistent rules (two or three at the most) when your toddler has trouble controlling herself. Follow with eye contact or remove her from the scene, if necessary. Grabbing her will generally anger her.

 

• Be sparse in your usage of “no” when your child is testing limits. The more you use it, the less your child will believe, or even hear, you. Use distraction or diversion, and save the big “no” for issues of personal safety and danger.

 

• Give a frustrated child time to communicate with you. Children under duress don’t always understand cause and effect, or even why you might be upset.