The Mom I Want to Be

Every parent hopes that their children are developing a positive sense of self-worth. How your children feel about themselves is one of your greatest responsibilities and biggest challenges. People who have a positive sense of self feel like they have something worthwhile to contribute and a sense of internal worth. They are able to venture out into the world, work toward attaining their goals, and welcome life with anticipation and pleasure.

This self-concept develops very early in life. From the very beginning, a baby learns from how people respond to her and how people see her. By about 18 months of age, a child has a clear notion that she has a separate and specific identity. You can assist your baby in feeling good about herself by recognizing the unique qualities that she possesses. It’s important to pay attention to your baby’s temperamental pattern so that your expectations fit her personality.

Children who have self-confidence have a feeling of internal worth that enables them to welcome challenges and work cooperatively with others. When children don’t develop self-confidence, they tend to focus on failure instead of success, problems instead of challenges, and difficulties instead of possibilities. There is no single way to enhance self-esteem, but one way is to show children “unconditional positive regard.” Let your children know that you care about them, accept them, and approve of them, no matter what. Your challenge is to accept your child as a person, even when you do not accept his behavior.

 

 Honest Recognition and Praise
Honest recognition and sincere praise come from the heart and draw attention to something specific the child has done. Sometimes we spend so much time exclaiming, “Good job!” that it comes to have little meaning for children. Better to be more specific with remarks like “You worked so hard building that block tower!” or “Thank you for helping Raul pick up the paints.”

Self-worth is such a private, internal feeling, your comments will have the most impact when they deal with who your child is and how she sees herself from the inside. When you praise your children, try to do it in a way that heightens their sense of inner satisfaction. Praise is an external source of esteem, which is helpful but not nearly as valuable and effective as internal sources that come from a sense of competence.

 

Respect
Respect is another key component in reinforcing your child’s self-worth. There are several ways you can show respect for your children. You can offer them choices when appropriate, then respect and abide by their decisions. Showing confidence in your child’s ability to make decisions helps build his self-esteem. Another way to show respect towards children is to explain the reasons behind the rules or adult decisions. Avoid talking about children in front of them unless they are included in the conversation.

 

Competence
The most effective thing you can do to help your children feel a sense of self-worth is to help them achieve competence or an internal feeling of mastery or control. Every time your child does something well, she feels competent because of what she did, not because of what someone said. Here are six practical ways to help your children gain competence:

Encourage your children to make their own choices and be as independent as possible.

Provide many different experiences and activities for your children to experience success.

Provide opportunities that are challenging but not too difficult or frustrating. When developing new skills, children need to practice and try things out over and over again.

Encourage a diverse range of skills for both girls and boys. Avoid reinforcing stereotypical ideas of what is appropriate play. Pay attention to allowing and encouraging equal access to activities and skills.

Offer many creative activities where your children can explore the process of creation and the expression of their ideas and feelings.

Offer your children as many opportunities as possible for interacting and playing with other children and help them to figure out strategies for getting along with them.

 

Things to Remember

·  Give your children opportunities to learn different types of skills through activities that are challenging. Activities such as puzzles, sewing, swinging and ring toss help children feel successful and competent.

·  Pay attention to how your child feels when she has accomplished something. Say something like, “You’ve been working so hard on that puzzle. How does it feel to finish it all by yourself?”

·  Creative activities such as clay and dance help children feel competent by allowing them to use their own ideas to create something or express themselves in a way that is uniquely theirs.

·  Children need lots of encouragement, especially when they are not successful. For example, you might say, “It takes a lot of practice to learn how to swing without anyone pushing. Every day, you’ll get a little better.”

 

Things to Avoid

·  Avoid using comparison and competition to motivate good behavior. It’s better to encourage your child by commenting positively on his progress. For example, “You’re pouring better every time you try!”

·  Try not to help your child too much when she’s trying something new. Give her a chance to try out her ideas and do things for herself.

·  Avoid talking about your child in a negative way in his presence. This can hurt his feelings and make him think he’s not important enough to be included in the conversation.

·  Try not to discipline your child in front of other people. It’s better to do so in private.

 

Try This at Home

 

1. Pay attention to the way you respond to your child’s accomplishments. What can you say that emphasizes her effort and how she feels about what she has done?

2. Try to ask your child’s opinion as often as possible. Note how he responds and be sure to listen and value his response.

3. Think of a cooking or baking project for your family to do together. Ask your children to work together to assemble the ingredients, measure the amounts, clean up and serve the food you prepared. Be sure to give your children choices about what you make and allow them to do as much of the work as possible. Give them specific praise and encouragement while guiding them through the stages and skills necessary to complete this project.

4. Think of a clean-up project around your home or yard and make it a family project. Let your children make decisions about what they would like to contribute to the effort and their plans for the area. Encourage cooperative activity. For example, let two people use a broom and a dust pan or ask one person to dig with a shovel while another plants seeds or flowers. Be sure to emphasize the satisfaction of accomplishing something together.