The Mom I Want to Be

 

Your child may be registered for preschool, but is he ready?

 

Two Weeks Before

 

Talk about it. A brief but positive introduction is all that’s usually necessary. “Children this age tend to view going to school as a ‘grown-up’ thing to do,” notes Willer, so that’s a good way to sell it. For example: “Now that you’re big enough to use the potty (or put on your own clothes, or draw with little crayons), you’re ready to go to preschool, just like your cousin Sarah.” If your child has already been in structured childcare or a playgroup, explain the similarities: “You’ll get to play with other kids. You’ll have snack and recess and the teacher will read books.”

 

Read about it. Share some children’s books — such as Pooh’s First Day of School by Kathleen W. Zoehfeld — or watch a video that describes what preschool is like and how other kids feel about going.

 

Go for a tour. Point the preschool out casually whenever you drive or walk by, and take advantage of a formal orientation event or visiting hours, which most preschools offer just before the new school year begins. “Children, like adults, tend to fear the unknown,” notes Mary Ann Rafoth, Ph.D., chair of the department of educational and school psychology at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. “So you can relieve a great deal of anxiety — both yours and your child’s — by visiting the preschool with her and meeting her teachers and classmates.” You may even want to bring a camera to take some pictures.

 

One Week Before

 

Count the days. The average preschooler is at a loss when it comes to understanding the concept of time. So explain when preschool will start in terms your child can relate to: “Preschool will start a few days after the pool closes.” It may also help to put stickers on a calendar to illustrate how the days are passing. Or line up seven blocks (or other items) on a shelf and take one away each day.

 

Adjust sleep schedules. “If your child tends to stay up late at night or wake up late in the morning, you should start adjusting his sleep times, so he won’t be exhausted on the first days of school,” says Willer. In most cases, she adds, a gradual shift works best. For example, put your child to bed 15 minutes earlier and then wake him up 15 minutes earlier each day until he can wake up in time for school.

 

Start new routines. “Another option, for children who tend to have a hard time with transitions, is to find out when the preschool has snack, lunch and naps, so you can mirror the school day at home,” says Rafoth. But be sure to explain any changes you make. For example: “Let’s have our snack at 10:30 today, just like they do in your new school” or “It’s 12:30. Let’s rest for a while because this is when you’ll have nap time at school.” As Rafoth notes, “Learning the routine is important because children always feel more secure and comfortable when they know exactly what to expect.” This applies to behavior as well, so look for ways to practice that too. For example, put up a hook so your child can learn to hang up her coat. Serve her lunch in the lunch box she’ll be using at school so she’ll know how to open her own sandwich bags and drinks. When she’s finished playing with her toys, have “clean-up time” to teach her to put things away.

 

Most especially, talk about using the potty. If your child isn’t trained yet, discuss what to do if she wets or soils her diaper. You may also want to make the switch to disposable training pants to help her feel more grown-up.

 

Buy something special. “With my second child, Christina, we made a big deal about going to the store and buying her school supplies,” says Regina Langer, a mother in Forest Hills, N. Y. “She was so excited about using her new backpack and wearing her sparkly sneakers that she couldn’t wait for school to begin.” “Before you shop, though, check with school,” recommends Rafoth. “The last thing you want to do is buy your child something special for school that she won’t be allowed to use.” Also, look for clothes that are comfortable enough to play in, easy to wash (a good preschool program will be messy) and easy for your child to put on and take off by herself. The best choices are casual, pull-on dresses and shirts; pants, shorts and skirts with elastic waistbands; and comfortable shoes or sneakers that either slip on or fasten with Velcro straps.

 

The Day Before

 

Take it easy. Keep the day before preschool as calm and relaxing as possible. You don’t want to plan anything too exciting that might tire your child out, but you also don’t want him to sit around worrying about the big day ahead. Do let your child know what’s coming, however, advises Katz. Start with a simple comment or question: “I think we’re all ready for school tomorrow. Can you think of anything we’ve forgotten?” or “Do you have any more questions?”

 

Address her concerns. If your child does ask questions, treat them seriously, says Katz. Avoid comments like “Don’t be silly!” and “That’s ridiculous!” And don’t try to gloss over fears with lines like “Stop worrying! All the kids will want to be friends with you!” Instead, give an honest — but positive — response conveying your confidence that things will go well. For example: “It can be hard to make friends right away. But tomorrow you’ll meet the kids, and if you find one you like, we’ll invite him for a play date.”

 

Make a plan. Before your child goes to bed, make some decisions together: What will your child wear to school? What will she eat for breakfast? Who will bring her to school and pick her up? “This not only helps your child prepare for the day, it also cuts down on the dawdling and arguing in the morning,” says Willer. Also, by giving your child limited choices — “Do you want to wear your red shirt tomorrow or your blue one?”; “Do you want apple or orange juice in your lunch box?” — you endow her with a sense of control over this new and intimidating experience.

 

It’s a good idea, too, to lay everything out, so your child can see and touch it all (and you won’t get hung up on a last-minute search for missing socks or sneakers in the morning). Also, pack all of your child’s school supplies in his backpack and include a change of clothing (in case he gets wet, messy or misses the potty). And be extra sure that everything of your child’s is labeled.

 

As you pack your child’s book bag, invite him to include something special: a favorite cuddly toy, for example, or a family photograph. “Many children find comfort in bringing a toy or blanket from home while they work through the separation,” notes Fine.

 

“It also often helps to give your child something to put in his ‘psychological pocket,’ ” adds Katz. “When my own son was young and started missing me at school, I told him to look at the clock every day when it was group time, which I knew was around 10:15 a.m. I told him I’d look at the clock at that time, too, and think of him so he’d feel better.”

 

Before lights out, review with your child the plans for the next day. For example: “Tomorrow you’ll wake up at 7:30. I’ll make you cereal, toast and juice for breakfast. You’ll put on your new clothes. You’ll brush your teeth. We’ll get in the car. And I’ll take you to school.”

 

“Let your child know what you’ll be doing, too,” adds Rafoth. Tell him, for example: “While you’re in school, I’ll be buying our groceries” or “While you’re doing your work at school, I’ll be doing my work in my office.”

 

 

 

The Big Day

 

Don’t rush. The best way to ensure a good school day is to get up early enough that you don’t have to run out the door. This is a big day for both of you, and emotions are likely to be mixed and intense. Besides, there’s a good chance your child will have a last-minute change of mind — about what she wants to eat, or wear, or do — so you need to leave room for that margin of error. If you work outside your home, you may want to arrange to come in late for a few days until your child feels comfortable about going to school. “With children this young, it’s really important to do whatever you can to make the transition to preschool feel safe and positive,” says Fine. “Without a successful separation, it’s difficult to build a child’s independence and readiness to learn.”

 

On the way to school, try to keep the atmosphere pleasant and fun. “Talk and sing together, and casually discuss what you will do after you are reunited,” advises Willer. “Or start a ritual that will ease the transition from home to school.” For example, play a special guessing game (“I’m thinking of something orange you drank for breakfast. Can you guess what it is?”) or greet familiar landmarks together (“Good morning, Mr. Mailbox”; “Good morning, Mrs. Puppy”).

 

Stick around. If you’re lucky, when you get to school your child will be so intrigued by a toy, a classmate or an activity in the classroom that he’ll slip his hand out of yours and head straight in. But don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t. “Children react in very different ways to the start of preschool,” says Rafoth. “I’ve seen everything from hesitant smiles to full-blown tantrums. But I’ve also seen some of the worst first-day tantrum throwers become star pupils. Don’t think it means you’re doing the wrong thing or that your child shouldn’t be in preschool.”

 

Concentrate, instead, on keeping your own cool. If necessary, ask for help. Experienced classroom teachers have seen many children (and parents) make this difficult separation, and usually have a stockpile of strategies to help ease a child in. And most preschools encourage parents to stay in or near the classroom until their child is calm. “We invite parents to stay for as long as it takes for their child to adjust to being left on his own,” says Fine. “At first, the parent can participate in class activities; then we ask her to sit on the sidelines and read her own book; then we ask her to wait in the hall, outside the door.” Depending on the child, it might take a day, a week or a month, she adds. “But because of this gradual approach, we see very few tears and tantrums when parents finally say goodbye.”

 

Don’t sneak out. If your child is happily engaged, you may be tempted to simply slip away. But don’t! “You will violate your child’s trust if you leave without saying goodbye,” says Willer. Instead, go over to your child, give her a kiss or hug, and let her know when you’re coming back in kid terms. For example: “After you have snack time, the teacher will read everyone a book and then I’ll be here to pick you up.”

 

If your child protests, try to remain firm but friendly (even if you feel like sobbing). “Prolonging the goodbye will only make it harder for yourself and your child,” says Rafoth. “Just stick to the facts: ‘It’s time for me to go’; ‘There are lots of kids here who like to play’; ‘The teacher will take care of you while I’m gone.’ “

 

After you leave, try not to worry. “Good teachers are always alert to make sure children say goodbye and then get involved in an interesting activity,” says Willer. “In fact, if you check with your child’s teacher later on, you’ll probably discover that his tears dried up quickly as soon as you disappeared.”

 

Don’t be late. When the end of the first session arrives, make sure you’re there waiting. “Children need to feel confident from the beginning that they can count on you to come back, and to come when you said you would,” says Willer.

 

Also, don’t get too excited about how your child will greet you. While some children will rush into their parents’ arms and spew forth stories about their delightful day, others will completely ignore their parents’ presence. Some will leave school looking happy and then throw a massive tantrum on the way home. “These negative reactions don’t necessarily mean your child had a bad day,” says Rafoth. “Children have different tolerance levels, and many are physically and emotionally exhausted after a day at preschool. So they need a chance to blow off steam and cool themselves down.”

 

Begin a ritual. Play a special music tape in the car on the way home or bring a favorite snack. With my second son, Teddy, we always walked home. Along the way there was a park with a circle of flowers surrounded by a short, thick cement wall. It was perfect for a child his size to stand on, and wide enough for him to run on. So he decided that every day we had to stop at the flowers so he could run around the circle three times and then jump into my arms. It wasn’t always fun for me, but it worked for him, so we stuck with it.

 

Do whatever it takes, urges Rafoth. “Helping your child end his school day on a calm, relaxing note will make it that much easier for him to separate again.”