The Mom I Want to Be

 

To know what your toddler thinks about his world before he can tell you directly in words, play with him. In play, you see and hear what he understands and thinks about the world. Remember, however, that this is his play, not yours. You are a partner and a facilitator, occasionally a “go-fer,” but not a playwright, producer, or director.

 

The Power of Peek-a-boo

 

The simple game of put-and-take is about your toddler learning how to make things appear and reappear over and over and over. The reassurance that the toy is there again and again seems to comfort as it fascinates, preparing her for the countless disappearances she faces in her life from this point forward.

 

Peek-a-boo is the interpersonal example of a similar, if more complex process. It moves from the simple opening and closing of eyes, to removing a covering over her eyes, to turning around to find a voice not seen, to crawling after the “lost” partner. Next, it is the child who disappears, as she initiates the sequence. She is the leaver, and seems to savor the power apparent in the role. But wait a second too long to reunite with her and the fun is over. Toddlers have their limits, even when it’s their game.

 

Joint play is so pleasurable to children this age. It is as though they are saying: “I feel so close to you, I want to keep it forever, especially when you are not here” or “I need some reassurance that I’m okay when I can’t see you.” Yes, it’s time-consuming, and there are not many shortcuts in this experience. But rest assured that their appetite for it is not perpetual. Before you know it, your child will prefer her peers to you.

Games to Play with Your Toddler

 

Make-believe: Using simple dress-up (hats alone are great), narrate her play: “And now you get on your hat.” Describe what you think she is feeling: “Don’t you feel fancy (snazzy, cool…)!” And listen for when you are not quite on track: “So, then what?” Children often love to have you with them in these imaginary explorations and usually will do their best to keep you from getting lost along the way.

 

Peek-a-boo: Use reflecting surfaces (mirrors, windows) as you play peek-a-boo with your child’s image and then yours. Try a little face paint or make-up to explore what happens to his face as he, or you, add a dot here or a line there. It helps him define who he is by enjoying the reflection of his face and the feelings between you. Doing this together feels different, better, and usually more important.

 

Flashlight game: Sit together in the dark with a flashlight and give your child a sense that she has some control over what disappears into the darkness. Narrate the experience with her as you share the job of turning the flashlight on and off together. Sara, at 22 months, loved this game and called it the “good-bye light game.” She seemed to be sorting out the comings and goings of important things and people as the lights went off and on.

 

 There are countless other ideas available. Borrow, invent, and reinvent games just for the two of you.